


I Hope The Smoking Man's In This One

by houxvertetbruyere



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Car Sex, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Oral Sex, Spanking, Under-negotiated Kink, kind of, the 1990s, x-files au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:49:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26832466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/houxvertetbruyere/pseuds/houxvertetbruyere
Summary: Leonard finally loses his temper ten miles outside Vernal Utah. An X-Files AUTrektober Day 4 - Monster Hunters + Car Sex
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy
Comments: 2
Kudos: 36
Collections: Trektober 2020





	I Hope The Smoking Man's In This One

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, the title is from that Barenaked Ladies song but the other option was The Bloodhound Gang so...

Leonard finally loses his temper ten miles outside Vernal Utah.

He was exhausted even before the red eye flight to Salt Lake. His divorce was becoming a special hell reserved just for him. Jocelyn and her attorney needed his attention at all hours of the day or night regardless of how important his work was. He’d nearly thrown his pager out the office window in a fit of rage a dozen times. Hateful thing.

Of course Special Agent Kirk’s incessant chatter about their case (UFO sightings over north eastern Utah and possible alien DNA in the dinosaur fossils there) combined with the nervous leg jiggling the _whole damn flight_ meant Leonard couldn’t get any peace on the plane either. From the baggage claim to the car rental Kirk had transitioned to waxing poetic about mysterious fecal matter found in the forest outside Vancouver with previously undiscovered intestinal bacteria thought to date back to the ancient peoples who crossed Beringia. The drive to the Kamas forestry center included not one, but two cassettes about alien sperm fertilizing human eggs and the resulting mutant embryos. 

Leonard was going to strangle him with the cord of their car phone. He really was. 

This was punishment of some kind, he was sure of it. Assistant Director Pike had assured him that the X-Files were far more than met the eye. He had promised Leonard to his face that he would find it rewarding and then promised again, at Leonard’s scowl, that if he gave it his all for a year and still wanted out he would get it. “Full promotion to whatever department you so desire, McCoy,” Pike had promised. That was 18 months ago. Leonard was a damn fool.

“Oh, turn right here,” Kirk jammed the pause button on the tape deck and pointed to a narrow dirt road marked with a giant wooden sign shaped like a bright pink cartoon dinosaur. The monstrosity’s tail pointed like an arrow to a diner that was somehow an even more hideous shade of pink.

“Oh, no,” Leonard really had to put his foot down at some point. “I am not getting botulism from some creepy middle-of-nowhere tourist trap. We will eat when we get to the town.”

“It speaks! Why McCoy, did you know that’s the most you’ve said to me in weeks. I thought that night in Philadelphia had ruined everything and I was never going to hear your dulcet tones again.”

Leonard’s grip on the steering wheel tightened. They’d gone over this goddamnit.

“We agreed not to mention Philadelphia, Kirk. Do us both a favor and shut up before you say something stupid and I leave your ass on the side of the road.”

“You wouldn’t!” Kirk protested, all mock horror. “Oh alright, I’ll behave your honor. Can I put my tape back on?”

“No.”

“Ugh, fine.” 

It was blessedly silent after that. For all of 3 minutes.

Kirk pulled a pen knife from his pocket (Where had he gotten a pen knife? Had he flown with that?) and began twirling it around in his fingers, drumming a beat on his thigh, then rapping it on the window next to his head. 

“Intergalactic planetary, planetary intergalactic,” he sang in a robotic voice, “Intergalactic planetary, planetary intergalactic. Well, now, don't you tell me to smile- you stick around I'll make it worth your while-” 

Leonard’s blood is near boiling. He is running on no sleep, no real food, three cups of shitty airplane coffee, and he doesn’t even want to be out here chasing some wild lead of Kirk’s in the godforsaken desert. That goddamn pen raps harder against the window as Kirk does a terrible job of rapping.

“I'll stir fry you in my wok. Your knees'll start shakin' and your fingers pop. Like a pinch on the neck of Mister-”

“Jim! Shut. Up. We are ten miles from town. Do not make me pull this car over.” 

“Ooh, you used my first name, you really are angry _Leonard_. What is Leonard so mad about, I wonder.” Kirk turns his infuriating smirk on him and Leonard is doing serious damage to his molars clenching his jaw like this.

“He just doesn't like the state of Utah much, maybe. Seemed pretty grumpy on the flight here. Maybe he’d rather be back in DC dodging beeps from his hot prosecutor baby mama.” Kirk strokes his chin acting thoughtful. He’s about to get his ass kicked if he doesn’t back off and he knows it. He’s _angling for it_ , even. God but Leonard wants an excuse to smack that expression off his pretty face.

“Or hmm, no that’s not it. Could maybe, possible, be the incident in a major Pennsylvania city of which we do not speak? Is McCoy angry that he succumbed to his partner’s irresistible charm and good looks? A little gay panic, perhaps? What’s a little anal sex and cuddling between friends, McCoy?”

Leonard drives the rental off into the dirt on the side of the road and brings it to a screeching halt. Rocks ping off the undercarriage and dust flies up around them. Leonard seethes and turns on Kirk.

“You are a goddamn brat, you know that? You want to be a contrary, back talking child, Jim?” He must be shouting, his ears are ringing, but Jim Kirk pushes every single button Leonard has ever had. “Fine, fuck it, I’m going to treat you like one. Get out of the car.”

Kirk swallows but he doesn’t back down. He never knows when to fucking back down. 

“You’re not kicking me out of the car. This is my case!”

Leonard shuts the car off and slams out of the driver’s seat. Kirk’s eyes widen as he stalks around the car to the passenger side. He doesn’t have time to lock it before Leonard wrenches the door open and pulls Kirk out, roughly shoving him back into the side of it.

"Whoa, easy with the goods, McCoy."

“Shut the fuck up. Jesus, what will it take to make you just _shut up_?”

A slow smirk spreads over Kirk’s face and Leonard wants to punch him so badly. God damn him. 

“I can think of a few things,” he offers and his voice is dipped low and sultry.

“Did you- Dear lord, Jim. Was this your endgame?”

Kirk shrugs, his rumpled suit jacket squeaking against the car window. 

“You weren’t talking to me. Figured you either wanted to hit me and ditch me, or you wanted to fuck me again but wouldn’t make the first move.” Kirk shrugs again, like it’s that simple. Almost like he wouldn’t have cared much either way. Leonard levels him with a glare. They know each other way too well for this act.

“Get in the car.”

“What? But I thought we were gonna-”

“Back seat, Kirk. Get your pants down.”

Kirk blinks for a second and then started stripping out of his suit. Leonard looked up and down the road. A few lights were coming from the East. Vernal, ten miles off, was the nearest life anywhere around. The sun has set almost completely, he can’t see any headlights headed their way from either direction.

He takes off his own suit jacket and climbs into the back of the SUV. Kirk’s pants and boxers are halfway down his thighs, his tie is loose around his neck, and the tip of his tongue is poking out as he strokes himself.

Leonard gets his own pants open.

“Come here.”

“Yeah, okay.” Kirk gets up on his knees and shuffles closer. If he thinks they’re doing it like that he clearly hasn’t learned anything.

“Now lay down on my lap, ass up.” This brings him up short.

“Wait, what?”

“You heard me. You’ve been pushing for this all night. If you want to get off, do as I say, otherwise we can drive into town, check in to our rooms and pretend this didn’t happen.”

Kirk’s eyes narrow in a petulant glare.

“Oh yeah, ‘cause not talking about this shit is going so well. Alright, fine, fuck.”

Slowly and very awkwardly, he lays down over Leonard’s knees with his dick nestled in the gap between Leonard’s spread thighs and his head an inch away from the door.

Leonard rests a heavy hand on the back of Kirk’s neck and with the other he smacks the meat of Kirk’s asscheek. 

“Fuck!”

“You want to act like a spoiled child, Special Agent Kirk? You want to poke and prod where you’ve been told not to?” He smacks the other cheek.

“Then you’re going to take a spanking like a brat.”

He swats Kirk’s ass twice more in quick succession and the man yelps. His cock is hard, though, where it bobs between them. He’s leaking a wet spot into Leonard’s suit pants. His own cock plumps at the memory of what that precome tastes like painting the back of his throat.

The angle isn’t great and he’s not using his dominant hand but he lays down several more firm spanks right after each other. 

When Kirk whines low and long and tries to wriggle off of his lap Leonard lets go immediately..

“Do you want me to stop?”

“I- No.” Kirk huffs into his arm.

“We can do something else.”

“No, no. It’s a lot but I- I want it.”

“Okay, just a handful more should do it. Then I want you to tell me how you want to get off. Whatever you want.”

Kirk’s nod is hard to make out in the dark but he feels the movement. Leonard rubs his hand over the hot flesh of Kirk’s ass. He gets a hiss for his efforts. He lands a smack on the lush bottom curve of the right cheek, two lighter hits in the same spot, then gives the same treatment to the other side.

Three hard smacks right in the sensitive center of Kirk’s ass have him wailing and then Leonard’s leaking himself, dick throbbing in time with the flesh of his hand. He strokes gentle fingers over the abused spots and Kirk shivers. The skin is starting to raise.

One more firm spank to each cheek with a swish at the end to make Kirk’s ass jiggle and then Leonard’s done. Tells him, “It’s over, you took it so well” and eases him up onto unsteady knees.

“I want to help you come, how do you want it?” 

“Suck me?”

“Yeah, lay back so I can reach. It’s damn cramped back here. A car is a terrible place to have sex.”

Kirk snorts but does as he’s told for once.

Leonard shuffles in and gets his hands on that lovely cock, slippery up around the glans and hot all over. It smells like he remembers- heady and tastes even better. He spends a few moments lapping at the head, making Kirk squirm.

He really did enjoy their night in Philly. It was never about that, the sex. He isn’t battling with repressed homosexuality or whatever Kirk thinks. It was the fallout with Jocelyn afterwards that soured the experience for him. He realizes he’s been a real shitty partner in his own right. Withdrawing was juvenile he can acknowledge that and he resolves to do better.

“McCoy, please,” Kirk pants, “I need-”

He sucks Kirk down with a few wet bobs and sets about getting Kirk his promised orgasm. He joins a thumb in the sloppy mix of spit and pre around his mouth and gets it good and wet. It trails down past his tight balls to rub circles at Kirk’s perineum. That gets him a gratifying groan.

In the dark Leonard can just make out the glint of Kirk’s eyes as he watches himself buck up into Leonard’s mouth. Kirk breathes out something like “fuck, your mouth” and Leonard hums.

He’d like to get a hand on himself soon, he’s achingly hard and it’s been awhile since he’s devoted any attention to his pleasure. Self hatred is very time consuming, after all. Kirk has to come first though. Leonard lost his temper and he was being an uncommunicative jerk before that, he owes Kirk the first orgasm.

Letting out all the air in his lungs he sinks down that tiny bit further and swallows repeatedly around the head of Kirk’s cock. With that wet thumb he presses insistently up and with his other hand he massages Kirk’s tight sack. It’s a bit of a party trick to manage all three at once but it’s the grand finale and it does the job.

Kirk scrabbles at Leonard’s hair, seemingly unable to speak, and comes down his throat. His lungs burn but he waits until the last spasms subside to slide off and and cough.

“Fu-uck,” Kirk sighs, boneless.

Leonard gets a hand into the open vee of his pants and comes with his mouth on Kirk’s thigh, swallowing the salt of his come. 

Some time later Kirk climbs to the passenger seat for napkins from their lunch earlier. He passes them back so Leonard can at least kind of put himself in order. He still hasn’t gotten up out of the footwell.

“I wasn’t having gay panic about Philly.”

“No?”

“It was a bad weekend to leave DC. Jocelyn used it against me like she’d been threatening to. When we got back in town I found out she’d talked a judge into full custody. I get to be with my daughter one day every other weekend until she’s 18. Because I stayed in bed with you instead of answering her millionth damn call.”

Kirk is silent for a long moment.

“Fuck.”

“Yeah.”

“Can’t Pike pull some strings and make her go away or something?”

Leonard laughs.

“Probably. But I don’t actually want the mother of my child to get disappeared. She’s not wrong either. I’m always away, what kind of father can I be?”

“You know it was a trap, right? She knew if she pushed you hard enough you’d get fed up and stop answering and she could claim you weren’t available enough or however you say it in legalese. She’s a prosecutor, it’s not like she has room to talk.”

Leonard sighs. They’re both a little wrong and both a lot right. But he’s way too tired to think about it right now, especially after coming.

“You feel like driving?”

“Sure, I can drive. Why, are you dying back there?”

“I haven’t slept since-” he thinks for a moment, “Thursday. And I might be. Why did I let you talk me into pastrami burgers.” His head hurts more than his stomach but the smell of grease coming from the napkins doesn’t help.

“Hey those were delicious. Anyway, when in Rome.” 

Leonard manages to get himself laying down in the back seat as Kirk gets the car back onto the road. 

“Oh I could go for a milkshake.” Kirk muses. “Do you think Vernal has a Dairy Queen? Even just a McDonald’s… Hey McCoy have you heard about McDonald's getting sued for selling kangaroo meat? The story got covered all wrong of course, there was never any kangaroo but there was rat feces. My guys at the Lone Gunmen, you know Sulu, Checkov and Scotty, I’ve told you about them, right?”

Leonard groans. God, is a content Kirk really any better than a passive aggressive Kirk? 

“Well Scotty was sent a sample of the tainted meat and you’ll never believe what he found inside the feces- Oh hey, there is a McDonald’s. You want anything, man? McCoy? Alright I’ll just order for you. So like I was saying-”

Tragically, Leonard falls asleep before hearing the rest of that sentence. 


End file.
